just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
