Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
