Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
