I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize