I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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