You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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