I can tuck mytits in my pants
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
