had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
