I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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