Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
