no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
