im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Randomize