toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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