put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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