Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
