My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
