apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize