i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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