listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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