if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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