Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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