Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
