Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
