Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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