the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
