overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
