theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
