if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
