I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
