My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
