the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
