So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
