my mouth tastes like poor choices
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
