why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
