I just pynch a tree in the face
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
