that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
did i just pee glitter
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