You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
