had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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