Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So much Jack, so little girl.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
