this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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