sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
