Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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