I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
