in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
