if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
