Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
