I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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