He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
