I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
