We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize