I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
