I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
