my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
