I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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