I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
