Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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