tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
