Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
