i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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