You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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