Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
