You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
