Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
